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November 10, 2010 / gracelesswonder

a dream and a change

So last night (or rather this morning) just before the alarm went off, I had this dream about going on an airplane trip to New York. The details are fuzzy as to the when and why… but I vividly remember having to request an aisle seat because I was scared I was too big to sit in the window or middle seat, and I wanted to be able to “spill over” into the aisle if need be.  And I remember the look of disgust on the faces of my fellow passengers as I took up more than my fair share of space. And I remember turning my face away from the windows as we approached New York, because I was so unhappy I couldn’t have a window seat and clearly see The City, and the Statue of Liberty for the time time as we approached. I remember thinking “If I can’t get a good look at it, I don’t even want to see it because I’ll know what I’m missing”.

I’ve been carrying this dream around all day.

To be honest, I’ve been carrying this around for about 15 years.

If you haven’t guessed it, I’m fat. I’m 5’2″ and when I stepped on the scale at the Dr last week, I was 296.

And to be honest, I was a little relieved. I thought I had passed the big 300 mark. 

So today I’ve been thinking about all the things I’ve missed out on because of my weight.  All the times I’ve been embarrassed, all the snubs and awkward pauses. All the slights – real and imagined – I’ve felt because of my size. 

It’s not like this is a new revelation, but some days it’s more a constant presence than others.

Today (or maybe even in the early waking hours of my dream) I decided to stop thinking about it and actually DO something. Again.

Yeah, again. I’m not going to go into how many agains… but definitely my fair share. I had some luck w/ Weight Watchers. I managed to lose like 50lbs. I was down 2 pants sizes and 1 shirt size. I was finally starting to see a difference….. and then I flopped. I have no idea why. Self sabotage? Stress? I just don’t know. And slowly but surely, I gave up.

And here I am, back at the beginning.

So what will make this time different? Well…. I don’t exactly know. I know I’m going to take it a meal at a time. I’m not counting or weighing or any of that crap. I’m going to look at what I’m eating, and eat less of it. I’m going to try and work more veggies in, and I’m going to lay off the sweets.  I’m going to try and move more, instead of just going home and sitting on the couch.  

I’m not going to skimp on Thanksgiving. In fact, I’m going to occasionally take a break for a day. If I really crave something, I’m going to eat a little bit. I’m not going to deprive myself. I’m going to pay attention to my body and learn when I’m full and learn to stop eating at that point. I’m going to learn to develop a healthy relationship with food.

Yeah, lofty goals, I know.

When I started this blog, I wanted to blog about food and entertaining.  Obviously, I suck at that. I’m a frazzled, stressed, last minute kind of girl. I can’t remember to take pictures of the food I make before I eat it. When I’m hosting a party, I’m doing good to shower before people get there – much less document the planning process. 95% of my ideas fall by the wayside in effort to save time and money.

So, maybe this will end up being a diet blog… or maybe this will just be a life blog. Whatever it ends up being…. I just want to look back through these posts and see where I’ve been, and hopefully I’ll like where I’ve gone. 🙂

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